A blessing in disguise

I learned a lesson today that made me realize I’ve been neglecting my writing. So here I sit by the fire with my laptop and a beer. LOL

The lesson I learned is not something new at all, but a reminder. When one door closes, another opens. Sometimes that door slams shut and the first instinct is to cry, mope, be angry, or run away. But the slamming of the door today made me do the opposite. As I stood numb, trying to take it all in, I suddenly had an epiphany. That door is a chapter in my life that is finally closed forever. No more wondering what if. No more wondering what could have been. Now I know it wasn’t meant to be. The closure was swift and sudden like the real slamming of a door. Sometimes the slamming of a door is done out of anger. This slamming was not. This slamming reminded me of extinguishing a fire. A fire that had been smoldering for years. A little rain put the fire out for good. I felt a relief that the fire cannot spread and do any permanent damage.

The slamming of this door did me a favor. It reminded me of what I do want. It reminded me of what I do deserve. I deserve a fire that can’t be put out when it rains.  I deserve a fire that will blaze stronger when it sees the storm coming.  It reminded me that fires do not look back at what they have burned, they just keep looking for more oxygen to keep them alive. It reminded me that writing is my oxygen. Writing makes me feel alive.

Humpty Dumpty

The nursery rhyme of  Humpty Dumpty is well known to most people. Today, for the first time in many years I went to church. One of the worship songs was about being broken. No, the sermon was not about Humpty Dumpty lol.  But for whatever reason, I started singing the song in my head.

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again"


I relate to the wall as " life". We just go about our day working, parenting, paying bills, driving, shopping, chores, etc. All of the stagnant parts of life that just stay in one place and don't move-like a wall.

We all experience hardships that may interrupt our life and we fall off the wall.  It may be something as simple as a change in our work schedule, or as major as loss of a loved one. We are jolted, we are shaken, we are disoriented. Life is not as simple as "sitting on the wall" once seemed.

All the "king's horses" and "king's men" are the people and things that try to help us when we are down. They try to help put us back together again when we are cracked and broken. They offer help, support, and love to make life easier and a little more comfortable in our time of need.

I believe the real reason Humpty Dumpty couldn't be put back together is because God is the only one who can truly repair the broken. I believe He is the King that is not mentioned, but implied in the story.

Today, I am Humpty Dumpty. I have fallen off the wall and I'm surrounded by the broken pieces of my spiritual, emotional, financial, and physical life. My prayer to God today is to not only be put back together again, but to sit on the wall that only He can lead me to...that we have built together.

Using all my recycled bricks of course.....

Eight years later

Eight years ago when I was contemplating leaving my marriage, I read what the Bible has to say about divorce.  I can't quote the exact scripture now, but my take on it was that if you divorce your spouse, you should eventually reunite with your spouse or remain unmarried until you die. At the time I prayed to God that if he kept me and my children safe, I would remain unmarried and faithful to His word. Eight years later....I joke that God took me up on my offer because I'm still single! LOL


Everyone tells me when I stop looking, the right person will come along. Eight years later, I'm tired of looking. Eight years later, I'm tired of the games. Eight years later, I'm tired of the tears. Eight years later, I'm finally ready to let go of the ideas that "Someday" I will find someone, "Someday" the right person will come along. I think today's brick said "Someday" may become "Never". My broken heart needs to move on to the last stage of mourning....acceptance.

Not everyone has to have a "right person" or "the love of their life". Not everyone is "completed" by another person. Maybe my "right person" is just me. Maybe God is trying to tell me to believe that I am enough. Maybe His plans for my life don't include another partner. Maybe being the "old dog lady" is what God has planned for me LMAO!

Maybe my awesomeness is too much for another person to handle.... :)

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

My last post I talked out things I was excited for: Seahawks, Eagles, Sons, and a personal thing that was never disclosed. Like the stats from week one of football-here are the results.

The Good: The Legion of Boom killed it! The Eagles lost, but my boy kicked it good! FINALLY TOMORROW I get to see my favorite bad boys up on the TV screen! Fun times with family and friends.

The Bad: My personal thing didn't happen. I was once again disappointed and left feeling let down. I am still single and alone. I still have my same miserable job, and I still have the same bills that keep coming in the mail. My life still kinda sucks in some departments.

The Ugly: I let the bad stuff get to me and my fear, depression, anxiety, and lack of self esteem came rolling in. I felt ugly inside and out. My body and my heart hurt. I let the "why not me" creep back in. I cried. I ate. I slept. I drank (both water and alcohol lol). I snapped at my loved ones and I fought with people I care about most.


As I reflected on this last week, I didn't like that it was more bad and ugly than good. How do I change that? How do I change that? As I continue on this journey, I'm learning that some of the good and the bad are based on other people and how I let their actions or words affect me. The ugly...that's all me.

The Good: I noticed that all the Good are things I chose by myself, but may involve other people. I choose what I watch on TV. I choose to let my son participate in football. I choose to spend free time (the little bit I do have lol) with people that make me happy. Do more things that you choose Jennifer.

The Bad: These are things that I can control some of the time. I can decide to not get my hopes up too much about things. I can decide to not let people get to me. I can decide to work harder at paying down my debt because it wont go away on it's own. I can stop associating with people that continue to make me angry or disappointed, and I can start being more positive about my job because it doesn't look like that situation will change anytime soon. Let go of the things you can't control Jennifer.

The Ugly: These are things that only I control. These are the things in my head. This is the little voice of negativity that jumps right in when any of the bad stuff starts to happen. I'm the only one that can listen to the voice. I'm the only one that can change this. Stop listening to the voice Jennifer.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly are just a part of life. What we do with them changes us, shapes us, or breaks us.

Patience

The song Patience by Guns N' Roses has aleays been one of my favorites.  It's ironic that this song has been played more times this week than I can count. This week my patience is being tested in many ways. Waiting has never been my strongest trait-maybe it's an only child thing?  Lol

This week I'm excited for so many good things in my life, but the days are just dragging!  The wait is killing me! The patience I once learned at prison (without committing a crime - another blog post for later) has definately all disappeared this week!

I wait for the Seahawks official season to start. GO HAWKS!
I wait for the Graham Eagles official season to start. GO EAGLES!
I wait for the final season of Sons of Anarchy to start. RIDE ON BOYS!

And I wait for something I didn't think was ever going to happen....

The last thing on the list is the most private but means the most. For a long time I didn't get my hopes up in case it didn't happen.  I kept waiting for next week or next month and the longer it was prolonged,  the faster my hope faded that it would ever happen. But it's real,  and it's happening!!! And OMG now that it is really happening I just can't believe it! I'm waiting for someone to pinch me!

I've always said good things come to those who wait...just never to me.

It's finally my turn!  And as excited I am,  I'm also nervous.  Will it really be everything I've dreamed of? Will it really be everything I've always imagined? Will I be able to deliver on my promises?  Will I be able to receive all the new things with an open mind and an open heart?

I think I'm ready. I think can....says the old Jenn.

The new Jenn says...BRING IT!!! It's gonna be amazing!!!!

My Happy Heart

Sometimes my posts are more centered about things going wrong in my life, so I thought I would change it up and make some sort of attempt at making you all laugh. :) I am very easily amused at times. I tend to be a goofball, and probably tell the corniest jokes. I laugh at the stupidest things sometimes. Only certain people "get" my humor.

Certain people in my life make my heart happy. Period! Some people make me smile just by thinking about them-you know who you are ;) Some people make me smile just by talking to them-you know who you are too :) and others...well...maybe I smile because I'm secretly laughing about something totally not related to you at all.

Simple things are making my heart happy lately too. Lately I find myself singing in the car by myself. Why? Because I can. (and sometimes I dance to really embarrass the kids! lol)
Lately I find myself trying to laugh more at work. Why? Because I'm making the best of the situation.
Lately I find myself enjoying life more than I ever have. Why? Because I choose to.

This blog is about finding myself and becoming the best me I can be. I'm kinda excited about learning to love myself. :) Did I really just say that? LOL

So I'm gonna keep singing, I'm gonna keep laughing, I'm gonna keep dancing, and I'm gonna keep living each day to the fullest. Why? Because I can!

Thank you God for giving me another day to be me!

The brick of truth

After a streak of writer's block, something posted to Facebook today really spoke to me.

It is hard for me to admit publicly, but I am a very jealous person. Especially after a series of events that happened this week, I found myself easily falling into the trench of "why not me", "what did I do wrong to deserve this", or "it will never happen". The resident evil of negativity had again taken over my thoughts.

This quote hit me like a ton of bricks. I was on a break at work when I saw it, but it immediately made me tear up. I knew that I had to face this challenge and move on. Breaking this down bit by bit helped me to really put meaning to this quote.

1. There is no need to be jealous of others. Jealousy is not a need. A need is food, clothing, shelter, laughter, and love. I have all of these needs and then some. Period. This also ties into my post on things not always being what they appear. That "perfect relationship" I'm jealous of may be filled with infidelity, abuse, or true loneliness. That "vacation" I'm jealous of might be added to an already huge mountain of debt. The "skinny girl" I'm jealous of may have an eating disorder or a serious health problem. That "perfect job" I'm jealous of might be at the cost of being away from home more than I would want to be.

2. What's for you is for you. What is for me is for me! That makes me feel so special that God loves me enough to give me my own blessings! A mother that is still providing for me at almost 40 years old. Kids that he trusts me to raise to be awesome human beings. A best friend that is always there for me no matter what. Siblings that I may not have grown up with, but to love and care for as if I had. A job that I may not always like, but provides for the needs of myself and my children. Last week a friend and I were at the farmer's market and a local church had a booth in the vendor section. My friend joked and said "Do you want to go sit down and be blessed?" We laughed, but I responded with "I dont' need to sit down with them to be blessed-I already am!" As the week went on I lost sight of this more and more. This quote by Tony Gaskins sure put me back in my place! lol

3. What they have wouldn't fit you anyways. This one made me chuckle as I for sure wouldn't want some of the clothes people wear these days lol! I also thought about relationships and other roles in life. I would not fit me to be a CEO of a major corporation. It would not fit me to be a cheerleader. It would not fit me to have a romantic relationship with a person of the same sex. I am not against any of those things, and I'm happy for others if that's what fits them. But I am uniquely me. I have my own style, my own laugh, my own dance.

4. Be thankful for all you have and know that all you desire is on the way. I broke this one down to 2 parts.
4a. Be thankful for all you have. I always tell people that my motto is "there is someone, somewhere that has it so much worse". When I'm unhappy with my housing situation, I need to remember that there are so many who are homeless. When I'm unhappy that I don't have a relationship,  I need to remember that there are so many who are in abusive relationships. When I'm unhappy about my job, I need to remember that so many are unemployed or forced into human trafficking or sweat shop situations. When I'm unhappy about my weight, I need to remember that I am able to walk out of my house and not confined to a bed, or that I am not suffering from a life threatening illness such as cancer.

4b. And know that what you desire is on the way. This part reminded me that patience and faith will give me my hearts desires and to truly deep down believe it!  I desire to someday have a home of my own-and I will have it. I desire to someday have a healthy loving relationship with a man-and I will have it. I desire to someday have a job I love and make more money-and I will have it. I desire to someday be a smaller weight-and I will be. The desires may not be exactly the way I imagine, or happen when I want them to, but they are on the way.

So bring on the bricks. Each one that hits me is falling from the life I had. I will use each one to build the life I want.

I'm a hypocrite

Yes, I am a hypocrite. I tell me children not to do something and then I do it. Tonight I let my anger get the best of me. I will regret the action I took, but I will never regret why I did it. This mama bear will always protect my kids and put their interest first. Even if it almost landed me in jail.

How long do you fight a battle you know you can never win? How long do you try to do the right thing and end up being the one who gets the shaft? How long until you say enough is enough?

As I was trying to sleep after tonight's events,  I had to check Facebook one last time. (Hi, I'm Jennifer and I am a Facebook addict). A friend posted scripture that was God himself speaking to me.

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Ephesians 4:31-32.

First I forgive myself for letting my anger get the best of me. I forgive myself for not being perfect. I hate that my kids had to be witness to my anger and bitterness. I will let it go and let God handle the rest.

Many people will say I let him win. I don't see it that way. I just refuse to stoop to his level ever again. You can  never win when you are dealing with someone who doesn't think rationally. The situation will never change because he will never change.

But I can change. And I will change. And I will no longer let him have control over me. I may be letting fear win right now, but the peace I will have is something he can never take away. He will never have the  relief that I will have. He will never be able to be truly happy. He will never win the battle.

I have already sacrificed too much. I have already hurt for way to long. I may lose respect from some people for not fighting. I may lose money. 

I will gain freedom. My satisfaction is knowing, that for me....it's finally over.

Things aren't always what they appear to be...

We have all heard the saying "things aren't always what they appear to be". I wanted to give some insight behind the name of my blog.

Unless you are a total recluse, we all know about the books "Fifty Shades of Grey". Yes I have read them and yes I absolutely could not put them down! Yes they are about sex and yes my grandmother is probably rolling in her grave right now knowing that I read erotica. LOL!

SPOILER ALERT FOR THE 2 WOMEN ON THIS EARTH THAT HAVE NOT YET READ THE FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BOOKS!!!! 

For those of us that love reading, a story is just never a story. We all interpret the story in our own way. For me, Fifty Shades of Grey was WAY more than sex. It is a true love story that epitomizes another saying that "opposites attract". The meek and timid school girl meets the rich man and they live happy ever after right? Not so much. They both have fears. They laugh. They cry. They worry. They make mistakes. They get angry. They are human.

Mr. Grey is a very complex character.  He uses sex and money to control his women. He is AMAZINGLY handsome and filthy rich! His past is full of tragedy, abandonment, abuse, and trust issues. The good looks and money are not who he is. Some may say he is certifiably insane.

Anastasia is a in all sense a "goody goody" and still a virgin. She is young, naive, and shy. She does not come from money and she is insecure. Some may she she is boring.



Erase all the sex (yes that is the good part) and the story is how two people jump out of their comfort zone and jump into life. He shows her a life that she has never seen (in and outside of the bedroom) and in return she shows him how to love, trust, and truly be happy. They are each others therapy in more ways than one. As the story develops, the relationship that once started out as a "challenge", became about more than passion. It became love. It became trust. They both became whole.

My blog is not about Sex! I am not who I appear to be. I am a little bit Christian Grey, and a little bit Anastasia Steele. The 39 is because that is the age I am when starting this journey. Pink is my favorite color.

39 Shades of Pink is all the parts of me. The good and the bad. I do have issues that need fixing. But I also have the determination of Christian Grey to go after what I want, and the innocence of Anastasia Steele that is naive and shy.  My hope is that in the end, my story will  also be about love, trust, and becoming whole.

With or without my Christian Grey. (hey a girl can dream right? LOL)

It's just preseason

A day late on this post, but I was doing one of my favorite things last night.....WATCHING FOOTBALL!!!

In my quest to change my life, I am often observing other people and trying to see their perspective. One thing I heard all day yesterday was "It's just preseason". True, yesterday was the first preseason NFL game. This really made me think about why I was so excited and why the other person may not have been.

I didn't always like football. Growing up my Sundays were spent with family. The kids would be off playing, the women would be cooking or playing cards, and the men would be watching football and drinking beer. In my mind, football was clearly a "guy thing".

Fast forward about 25 years. A few of the men in my life were very passionate about football. And that's putting in mildly lol!  So one day I finally got the courage to admit that I really didn't know much about the game except that there are 4 quarters and touchdowns. Yeah, yeah typical woman lol! Instead of laughing at me, my friend was patient and answered my questions about "why do they say 1st and 10, what is a interception, or a sack?" Still some may think these are remedial questions, but I literally just cheered when everyone else did. But I love learning and growing, so I asked.

I gradually began to watch games with my friend, and of course there was no question asking during the game-it was serious business! Eventually I started watching games with my brother after he moved in with me and declared Sundays as "man day". Man day was much different from when I was a kid-his day  consisted of being lazy all day by wearing jammie pants and a team jersey, watching football in his recliner, with his police scanner. Yes, brother I may have just embarrassed you a little. :) And I was so proud of myself to actually kinda pretend that I knew what was going on. Hey I know more than I used to know, and still probably know more than most women. LOL!

Fast forward another few years and it was happening.....I BEGAN TO LOVE FOOTBALL AND BECAME A CRAZY FOOTBALL MOM! The more I learned, the more I am hooked. Kinda like a drug but much safer and cheaper lol!

This morning as I was deciding what to write about I just kept thinking about the "its just preseason" and why this stood out so much.

1. Some people are not as excited about football or sports in general. I love football because it reminds me of my childhood, it brings families and friends together to cheer on their favorite team-or "lovingly" take part in bashing the rival team. Yesterday's preseason game was huge because it was the same teams that played in the last Superbowl. One team needed to defend their title, and the other team had to prove that they were better than the last time the two teams played. I have always loved the Seahawks! I am not a "bandwagon fan". As a kid we were Hawks fans even though we lived in Southern California. So yes, I did cry a little when my boys did not win last night. I do realized  that the game doesn't count, and that the best players were not playing, but I still support my team. The people making comments may be passionate about something else like fishing, or cars, or scrabble. And I bet they cry a little inside when that fish gets away, or they don't get the highest point word. And THAT IS OK!

2. Everyone is different and THAT IS OK! Just think of how boring life would be if we all liked the same things. Don't belittle someone because they life different things. Don't make assumptions, or criticize that person for liking what they do. Don't ever be afraid to share what excites you. Part of this journey for me is discovering new things, trying new foods, going new places, and getting to know about others. This blog is about sharing what excites me. It is a little taste of who I am and who I am becoming.


3. Life is all about preseasons. School is preseason for our working years. Having siblings or cousins are preseason for the friendships we will have as adults. Having parents and grandparents in our lives is preseason for when we become parents ourselves. Aging and life is preseason for how we will be remembered after we are gone.

So for all the haters....IT IS NOT JUST PRESEASON!

Go Hawks!

"That Day"

We all have that one date that forever changed our lives….

August 6^th. It’s just an ordinary day on the calendar for most. 20 years ago today, it was one of the best days of my life. 4 years ago today, it became the worst day of my life. 

2o years ago on August 6th, I was 19, young and in love-it was my wedding day. A girls wedding day is one of the happiest and most monumental days of her life (if you get married before you have kids).

4 years ago on August 6^th, one of the most important people in my life died. Not only did he die, he committed suicide.

My marriage ended in divorce (my choice) and my friendship was gone (not my choice). Both are things I thought would last forever. 

August 6^th became a day I always wanted to forget (by choice). August 6^th is now a day I will never forget (not by choice). 

August 6^th is my harsh reminder that life is not what we expect, choose, or plan for. I wish more than anything that August 6^th would just be another day on the calendar. Instead it is the day on the calendar that is like the flashing sign that says “warning” “beware” or “danger”. As each year passes, I tell myself that this year will be different or this day will not hurt as much. 

A few weeks ago I met someone who was living a dream of mine…she was writing for a living. I have always wanted to write a book. I asked how she got started and she said “I just started”. Profound LOL! That night I went home and all of a sudden it hit me and before you know it I was crying myself to sleep. I was missing something in my life. I knew “that day” was coming soon. God spoke to me and said, this year make “that day” count. Don’t dread it, embrace it. So I decided to start a blog. I wanted to launch it on “that day” so someday I could remember this day as a day of a new beginning…not a terrible ending.

And so…39 shades of pink was born….

Thank you for reading and I look forward to sharing my journey with you