Eight years later

Eight years ago when I was contemplating leaving my marriage, I read what the Bible has to say about divorce.  I can't quote the exact scripture now, but my take on it was that if you divorce your spouse, you should eventually reunite with your spouse or remain unmarried until you die. At the time I prayed to God that if he kept me and my children safe, I would remain unmarried and faithful to His word. Eight years later....I joke that God took me up on my offer because I'm still single! LOL


Everyone tells me when I stop looking, the right person will come along. Eight years later, I'm tired of looking. Eight years later, I'm tired of the games. Eight years later, I'm tired of the tears. Eight years later, I'm finally ready to let go of the ideas that "Someday" I will find someone, "Someday" the right person will come along. I think today's brick said "Someday" may become "Never". My broken heart needs to move on to the last stage of mourning....acceptance.

Not everyone has to have a "right person" or "the love of their life". Not everyone is "completed" by another person. Maybe my "right person" is just me. Maybe God is trying to tell me to believe that I am enough. Maybe His plans for my life don't include another partner. Maybe being the "old dog lady" is what God has planned for me LMAO!

Maybe my awesomeness is too much for another person to handle.... :)

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

My last post I talked out things I was excited for: Seahawks, Eagles, Sons, and a personal thing that was never disclosed. Like the stats from week one of football-here are the results.

The Good: The Legion of Boom killed it! The Eagles lost, but my boy kicked it good! FINALLY TOMORROW I get to see my favorite bad boys up on the TV screen! Fun times with family and friends.

The Bad: My personal thing didn't happen. I was once again disappointed and left feeling let down. I am still single and alone. I still have my same miserable job, and I still have the same bills that keep coming in the mail. My life still kinda sucks in some departments.

The Ugly: I let the bad stuff get to me and my fear, depression, anxiety, and lack of self esteem came rolling in. I felt ugly inside and out. My body and my heart hurt. I let the "why not me" creep back in. I cried. I ate. I slept. I drank (both water and alcohol lol). I snapped at my loved ones and I fought with people I care about most.


As I reflected on this last week, I didn't like that it was more bad and ugly than good. How do I change that? How do I change that? As I continue on this journey, I'm learning that some of the good and the bad are based on other people and how I let their actions or words affect me. The ugly...that's all me.

The Good: I noticed that all the Good are things I chose by myself, but may involve other people. I choose what I watch on TV. I choose to let my son participate in football. I choose to spend free time (the little bit I do have lol) with people that make me happy. Do more things that you choose Jennifer.

The Bad: These are things that I can control some of the time. I can decide to not get my hopes up too much about things. I can decide to not let people get to me. I can decide to work harder at paying down my debt because it wont go away on it's own. I can stop associating with people that continue to make me angry or disappointed, and I can start being more positive about my job because it doesn't look like that situation will change anytime soon. Let go of the things you can't control Jennifer.

The Ugly: These are things that only I control. These are the things in my head. This is the little voice of negativity that jumps right in when any of the bad stuff starts to happen. I'm the only one that can listen to the voice. I'm the only one that can change this. Stop listening to the voice Jennifer.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly are just a part of life. What we do with them changes us, shapes us, or breaks us.

Patience

The song Patience by Guns N' Roses has aleays been one of my favorites.  It's ironic that this song has been played more times this week than I can count. This week my patience is being tested in many ways. Waiting has never been my strongest trait-maybe it's an only child thing?  Lol

This week I'm excited for so many good things in my life, but the days are just dragging!  The wait is killing me! The patience I once learned at prison (without committing a crime - another blog post for later) has definately all disappeared this week!

I wait for the Seahawks official season to start. GO HAWKS!
I wait for the Graham Eagles official season to start. GO EAGLES!
I wait for the final season of Sons of Anarchy to start. RIDE ON BOYS!

And I wait for something I didn't think was ever going to happen....

The last thing on the list is the most private but means the most. For a long time I didn't get my hopes up in case it didn't happen.  I kept waiting for next week or next month and the longer it was prolonged,  the faster my hope faded that it would ever happen. But it's real,  and it's happening!!! And OMG now that it is really happening I just can't believe it! I'm waiting for someone to pinch me!

I've always said good things come to those who wait...just never to me.

It's finally my turn!  And as excited I am,  I'm also nervous.  Will it really be everything I've dreamed of? Will it really be everything I've always imagined? Will I be able to deliver on my promises?  Will I be able to receive all the new things with an open mind and an open heart?

I think I'm ready. I think can....says the old Jenn.

The new Jenn says...BRING IT!!! It's gonna be amazing!!!!