Thank God for Cancer

Yes you read correctly. THANK GOD FOR CANCER. Cancer has given me life. Cancer has given me my life BACK. Cancer has given me choices and hope. Cancer did take away a few things like hair, but it was only temporary. I have CURLS now! Didn't think I'd  ever say that. Honestly I  think that's the only thing cancer took from me. It gave me so much more. For the first time in 41 years I can say I'm  in contol. In control of my choices  and I am stronger  mentally than I have ever been. It seems so strange to think that something that should have torn me apart  did nothing but make me stronger. I'm one bad ass bitch now! ;)

I can choose what I put in my body, my soul, my mind, and my heart. Unfortunately the choices lately have not been easy, but have been necessary. My new motto is " I didn't  survive cancer to have to deal with assholes!" Lol! Yes, I can say asshole and if it offends you then you dont have to read my blog lol. It's a choice that I get to make now because of cancer.  Choices. Life is about choices. Good or bad, they are mine to choose.

After all, my super power is kicking Cancer's ass ;)

I'm baaaacckkk

It's been over a year since my last post. Life happened and I got away from writing. So what have I been up to????

Well....I turned 40 and had the most amazing party with friends and family.

I fought cancer and won! (Ironically one of my older posts I had said I was thankful I didn't have cancer).

I became a grandma to the most precious baby girl. I know....everyone thinks their grandchildren are the best, but really...mine is!

I became a home owner (Another thing I posted about in the past).

I finally left my job that was making me so unhappy. I love my new job with an amazing company.

I started a business! Scary but so fun!

I adopted a dog! We now have 2 princesses in the house. :)

I was blessed with many new friendships, let some old relationships go, and reconnected with some people from my past.

I will be discussing all of these topics individually in future posts. I mostly just wanted to start writing again.

It feels good to be back! :)

A blessing in disguise

I learned a lesson today that made me realize I’ve been neglecting my writing. So here I sit by the fire with my laptop and a beer. LOL

The lesson I learned is not something new at all, but a reminder. When one door closes, another opens. Sometimes that door slams shut and the first instinct is to cry, mope, be angry, or run away. But the slamming of the door today made me do the opposite. As I stood numb, trying to take it all in, I suddenly had an epiphany. That door is a chapter in my life that is finally closed forever. No more wondering what if. No more wondering what could have been. Now I know it wasn’t meant to be. The closure was swift and sudden like the real slamming of a door. Sometimes the slamming of a door is done out of anger. This slamming was not. This slamming reminded me of extinguishing a fire. A fire that had been smoldering for years. A little rain put the fire out for good. I felt a relief that the fire cannot spread and do any permanent damage.

The slamming of this door did me a favor. It reminded me of what I do want. It reminded me of what I do deserve. I deserve a fire that can’t be put out when it rains.  I deserve a fire that will blaze stronger when it sees the storm coming.  It reminded me that fires do not look back at what they have burned, they just keep looking for more oxygen to keep them alive. It reminded me that writing is my oxygen. Writing makes me feel alive.

Humpty Dumpty

The nursery rhyme of  Humpty Dumpty is well known to most people. Today, for the first time in many years I went to church. One of the worship songs was about being broken. No, the sermon was not about Humpty Dumpty lol.  But for whatever reason, I started singing the song in my head.

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again"


I relate to the wall as " life". We just go about our day working, parenting, paying bills, driving, shopping, chores, etc. All of the stagnant parts of life that just stay in one place and don't move-like a wall.

We all experience hardships that may interrupt our life and we fall off the wall.  It may be something as simple as a change in our work schedule, or as major as loss of a loved one. We are jolted, we are shaken, we are disoriented. Life is not as simple as "sitting on the wall" once seemed.

All the "king's horses" and "king's men" are the people and things that try to help us when we are down. They try to help put us back together again when we are cracked and broken. They offer help, support, and love to make life easier and a little more comfortable in our time of need.

I believe the real reason Humpty Dumpty couldn't be put back together is because God is the only one who can truly repair the broken. I believe He is the King that is not mentioned, but implied in the story.

Today, I am Humpty Dumpty. I have fallen off the wall and I'm surrounded by the broken pieces of my spiritual, emotional, financial, and physical life. My prayer to God today is to not only be put back together again, but to sit on the wall that only He can lead me to...that we have built together.

Using all my recycled bricks of course.....

Eight years later

Eight years ago when I was contemplating leaving my marriage, I read what the Bible has to say about divorce.  I can't quote the exact scripture now, but my take on it was that if you divorce your spouse, you should eventually reunite with your spouse or remain unmarried until you die. At the time I prayed to God that if he kept me and my children safe, I would remain unmarried and faithful to His word. Eight years later....I joke that God took me up on my offer because I'm still single! LOL


Everyone tells me when I stop looking, the right person will come along. Eight years later, I'm tired of looking. Eight years later, I'm tired of the games. Eight years later, I'm tired of the tears. Eight years later, I'm finally ready to let go of the ideas that "Someday" I will find someone, "Someday" the right person will come along. I think today's brick said "Someday" may become "Never". My broken heart needs to move on to the last stage of mourning....acceptance.

Not everyone has to have a "right person" or "the love of their life". Not everyone is "completed" by another person. Maybe my "right person" is just me. Maybe God is trying to tell me to believe that I am enough. Maybe His plans for my life don't include another partner. Maybe being the "old dog lady" is what God has planned for me LMAO!

Maybe my awesomeness is too much for another person to handle.... :)

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

My last post I talked out things I was excited for: Seahawks, Eagles, Sons, and a personal thing that was never disclosed. Like the stats from week one of football-here are the results.

The Good: The Legion of Boom killed it! The Eagles lost, but my boy kicked it good! FINALLY TOMORROW I get to see my favorite bad boys up on the TV screen! Fun times with family and friends.

The Bad: My personal thing didn't happen. I was once again disappointed and left feeling let down. I am still single and alone. I still have my same miserable job, and I still have the same bills that keep coming in the mail. My life still kinda sucks in some departments.

The Ugly: I let the bad stuff get to me and my fear, depression, anxiety, and lack of self esteem came rolling in. I felt ugly inside and out. My body and my heart hurt. I let the "why not me" creep back in. I cried. I ate. I slept. I drank (both water and alcohol lol). I snapped at my loved ones and I fought with people I care about most.


As I reflected on this last week, I didn't like that it was more bad and ugly than good. How do I change that? How do I change that? As I continue on this journey, I'm learning that some of the good and the bad are based on other people and how I let their actions or words affect me. The ugly...that's all me.

The Good: I noticed that all the Good are things I chose by myself, but may involve other people. I choose what I watch on TV. I choose to let my son participate in football. I choose to spend free time (the little bit I do have lol) with people that make me happy. Do more things that you choose Jennifer.

The Bad: These are things that I can control some of the time. I can decide to not get my hopes up too much about things. I can decide to not let people get to me. I can decide to work harder at paying down my debt because it wont go away on it's own. I can stop associating with people that continue to make me angry or disappointed, and I can start being more positive about my job because it doesn't look like that situation will change anytime soon. Let go of the things you can't control Jennifer.

The Ugly: These are things that only I control. These are the things in my head. This is the little voice of negativity that jumps right in when any of the bad stuff starts to happen. I'm the only one that can listen to the voice. I'm the only one that can change this. Stop listening to the voice Jennifer.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly are just a part of life. What we do with them changes us, shapes us, or breaks us.

Patience

The song Patience by Guns N' Roses has aleays been one of my favorites.  It's ironic that this song has been played more times this week than I can count. This week my patience is being tested in many ways. Waiting has never been my strongest trait-maybe it's an only child thing?  Lol

This week I'm excited for so many good things in my life, but the days are just dragging!  The wait is killing me! The patience I once learned at prison (without committing a crime - another blog post for later) has definately all disappeared this week!

I wait for the Seahawks official season to start. GO HAWKS!
I wait for the Graham Eagles official season to start. GO EAGLES!
I wait for the final season of Sons of Anarchy to start. RIDE ON BOYS!

And I wait for something I didn't think was ever going to happen....

The last thing on the list is the most private but means the most. For a long time I didn't get my hopes up in case it didn't happen.  I kept waiting for next week or next month and the longer it was prolonged,  the faster my hope faded that it would ever happen. But it's real,  and it's happening!!! And OMG now that it is really happening I just can't believe it! I'm waiting for someone to pinch me!

I've always said good things come to those who wait...just never to me.

It's finally my turn!  And as excited I am,  I'm also nervous.  Will it really be everything I've dreamed of? Will it really be everything I've always imagined? Will I be able to deliver on my promises?  Will I be able to receive all the new things with an open mind and an open heart?

I think I'm ready. I think can....says the old Jenn.

The new Jenn says...BRING IT!!! It's gonna be amazing!!!!